When all is said and done
by xxx-angelin-xxx
Summary: If he could turn back time, he would. But it's too late, now; they've both chosen their paths. Merlin/Morgana


**When all is said and done**

It's a beautiful knife, the one that Arthur got her. Jewels and diamonds decorate its handle and case, and the blade is shined, clear and sharp.

Morgana has been staring at it for some time when she hears footsteps behind her. She doesn't turn, guessing it is Gwen, bringing the rest of her presents and waiting to help her dress.

She's surprised to hear Arthur's cocky voice. "I'm glad to see you liked my present."

"Arthur," she says as she turns to face him, giving him one of her wide smiles. "Of course I liked it; it's so pretty...kind of special."

He smiles back and sits by her. "You know, it was Merlin's idea."

Her body tenses and she knows Arthur notices. "_Merlin's_?" she asks, trying to sound uninterested.

He looks at her, skeptical. "Yes, Merlin's. He really cares for you, you know," he adds casually, waiting for her reaction.

She gets up, and for the first time in a while the emotions in her face are genuine. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, Morgana - I'm sure you've noticed. He's been gaping at you from the first day he saw you. And when… Morgause took you… he was so upset!"

"I guess everyone was upset," she manages to say, trying really hard not to tell Arthur the true reason Morgause '_kidnapped_'her.

He shakes his head negatively. "He was different. You know, I hadn't noticed until you returned. When my father carried you into the castle he kept on staring at you, absent-mindedly. What I said didn't matter to him; he wasn't paying attention to anything but you."

Morgana looks at him skeptically, actually considering the possibility. _If what Arthur says is true, there are many questions left unanswered_, she thinks. "I'm pretty certain his concern was friendly. He would do the same for you, Gwen and Gaius."

Arthur shrugs his shoulders. "Perhaps." He gets up and hugs her. "I suppose I should let you rest, my lady."

She smiles. "Goodnight, Arthur."

"Goodnight."

It's not long until Gwen enters the room carrying the rest of her presents. Morgana jokes and laughs with her, but her mind is elsewhere. Merlin and she always had a special relationship; they always understood each other. She remembers the day they helped Mordred, the day he saved her in the forest. She remembers how they saved his village together, how he kept her secret all along… He was always a good friend. Until the day he poisoned her.

She sends Gwen away, staring at the mirror Morgause sent for her. Its purple color reminds her of the day Merlin brought her some peonies; a present for her return. Back then she had thought that he acted like this to tame her so she wouldn't say how he was the one who poisoned her. Now, she wonders if there is more to him.

Every night Gaius still sends her a sleeping potion. She always accepts it with a smile before throwing it away; she can control her dreams now but it wouldn't be wise to say that her _nightmares _have mysteriously disappeared.

She sits at the edge of her bed and then lies down, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do with Merlin. The footsteps she hears in the hallway are too heavy to be Gwen's yet to light to be Gaius'. She sits up when the someone knocks at the door and she invites the stranger inside. It's _him._

"Merlin," she greets him with a smile.

He raises his eyes to her, cautious, and yet he answers, "My lady."

Morgana takes a deep breath and decides to take a risk, to show him her weak side, because if she doesn't the thoughts of 'what if' will haunt her forever. "Can I ask you a question?"

He nods. "Of course."

"Why didn't you tell anyone the things I did?" she asks quickly, without second thoughts because she knows that if she thinks twice, she will never say anything.

Merlin looks into her eyes, and she can see he's trying to understand what she has in mind; if there's a plan behind all this broad honesty. "Like you said… No one would believe me over you," he finally chooses to say.

"Only for that?" she whispers- unable to stop herself- tears filling her eyes.

"Morgana…" he begins but something stops him. He sighs and sits next to her, taking her hands in his. "I always hope that you'll change your mind. There's another way – being a sorceress doesn't mean being evil! You can use your powers for good! You can always change, Morgana."

She turns her eyes away from. "You don't know how it is," she whispers, trying to hide the shaking in her voice, trying not to show the effect his words have on her, not to show that she's actually been thinking about what he's said for a while.

"Morgana…" he tries again, "Uther cares for you. The people of Camelot care for you. _I _care for you! You can help Camelot with your powers; you can help Uther fight against evil sorcerers. He doesn't have to know…"

"That will never happen!" she exclaims, getting up and away from him. She walks to the window, trying to catch her breath. She knows he has more to say but she doesn't want to listen. "You can go now, Merlin," she tells him in her most formal tone. "Thank Gaius for the sleeping potion."

"I will," he answers and she can hear him walk away. Every step he takes hurts her a little more, but she allows herself to leave the window only after he has left the room, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

Thinking back to their conversation, she sees how easily she could have killed him. He was right there next to her, never expecting her to harm him. All it would take would be just a small movement. But she didn't do it. She didn't even consider it.

Morgana walks towards the small table at the corner of her room and takes Morgause's mirror in her hands. She has to talk with her sister: Morgause will help her calm down. After they talk, she will know what to do.

Merlin cannot believe in his eyes when he sees her. Arthur lets him leave late and he's on his way home when he sees her in her red cloak; exactly like she was in his vision. After their conversation- less than an hour ago- he'd believed that something inside her had changed. He believed she would consider what he told her. But no, she was still going to kill Uther and he still had to stop her.

When Morgana wakes up, she wants only one thing: a family. She's willing to forget everything – the fights, the argument, the killings, her sister, her magic - for Uther's love. But all he does is deny her once again.

There's a rage inside of her. Not even Morgause can change her mind. All she wants is revenge. She doesn't even care about how she ended up falling from the stairs or about how she was cured. She wants no throne, no justice for Uther's crimes. She wants a dead father; like he's been telling her all these years.

Only when she fails does she manage to calm down. Only then does she listen to her sister. She can take revenge. It will just hurt Uther a bit more.

Merlin asks from Gaius to let him give Morgana her potion again that night. They both know she doesn't need it but the fact she still accepts it is proof that she still remembers who she is and what her friends have done for her.

But tonight… Merlin doesn't know if there's anything left of her old self anymore. It makes him sad knowing that he's the main reason for what has happened to her. He challenged fate. He thought he could change the future, but he was merely the one who caused everything wrong the dragon predicted to happen.

Morgana has decided to destroy Camelot and everyone that will fight for it. There's only anger inside her- the one chance she had to change was lost the moment she heard Uther deny her. Nothing must hurt more than finding a father and losing him at the same time. He understands how she feels; he has been there himself. They're alike in a way- both trying to deal with magic, both having to keep a dreadful secret, both alone- but different in many others and mainly the way they have reacted to everything.

He remembers how she promised to use her magic for good when she first learned she had it. And then he remembers the events that lead to her doing the exact opposite. Once upon a time, Morgana was full of life and happiness. Once upon a time, she would have died to save Camelot, Arthur, _him_. She had her doubts and fears but if he had stood next to her, if he had helped her, things would have been different.

Instead he acted without thinking. He helped her and then he left her alone. All he should have done was be there for her and tell her his secret. He has already tried to kill her twice and both times regretted it. He never meant to hurt her, and yet he has always had to.

What has happened over the previous few days- her questions, their conversation, her wound and her attempt to kill Uther- confuses him even more. It's like they're in a labyrinth and they will never get out. It makes him dizzy and tired. He just wants it to be over.

He knocks on her room's door, wishing it will be Gwen opening it. Wishing he won't have to deal with Morgana, while a part of him really wants to. There are many unanswered questions, and he still hopes he can do something to help her find her way.

"Come in," Morgana's voice invites him.

"I've brought your sleeping potion," he says. "The king believes that after last night's fire, it would help if you took it," he continues, lying, waiting for her reaction.

She stands in front of him, wearing the same green dress she did the day he poisoned her. She looks at him proudly and harshly, and he misses the kind look she wore the last time she confronted him. "Tell Gaius," she begins, ignoring his last sentence, " that I won't be needing his sleeping potions anymore. My dreams are no inconvenience to me."

He smiles sadly and turns to leave, but her voice stops him, although she doesn't talk to him. "Gwen, will you bring me my dress?"

"You know," he says, still facing the door, "that's exactly how we first met."

"Excuse me?" she asks, puzzled.

He turns to face her as he says: "I came in the room to leave your sleeping potion and you thought I was Gwen. I helped you dress and you were gossiping about Arthur… You impressed me; you were so light hearted, so happy," Merlin confesses.

"My lady? You called for me?" Gwen asks as she enters the room.

Morgana is staring at Merlin, and he back at her. "Can you please bring me some food from the kitchen? I think I'm still hungry," she tells Gwen who gives Merlin an odd look before leaving the room. The two continue to look into each other's eyes, remembering their old friendship.

"What happened?" she asks softly.

"You tried to destroy Camelot. And only yesterday, you lit a fire and left me in the room to burn, unconscious," he reminds her, his voice calm yet accusing. "You have forgotten who you are – you have let magic destroy you as you were afraid it would. You have turned against us."

"You were the one who poisoned me!" she exclaims, every sign of kindness lost.

Merlin can hear the hate and bitterness in her voice, and he knows for certain that there's no going back for her now. Perhaps he should give up. Perhaps he should come to terms with the fact his old friend is lost forever.

And then he realizes that if he could turn back time, he would. He would have told her his secret. He would have helped her; he wouldn't have left when she most needed him. It would have been him, not Morgause, that was the one person she trusted. There would be love and knowledge guiding her, not fear and hate.

But now it's too late. We make our own destiny and he chose to protect himself without realizing that one day it would take them both down. He can't change the way things are anymore. She's now his enemy. He can't help her – he knows that if he tells her about him she will destroy him.

So he simply stares at her, asking politely if she needs anything else, reminding her that he's just a servant and she's just the king's protégée - or that's what it looks like.

It's all said and done now. There's no going back for them anymore.

Morgana shakes her head negatively, and he exits the room.

* * *

**A/N**: For **arysani **at the **merlin_santa** gift exchange of LJ.

Beta read by **s i l v e r a u r o r a**.


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